What Are They Smoking Over There?

Well, I’m not a sports fan, but I am a Canadian, and I do love spectacle, so I decided to watch the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Olympic Winter Games last night.

I was seriously underwhelmed.

I’ll probably end up sounding like some kind of jaded cynic—and, truth be told, I actually feel like one a lot of the time—but I have to be honest here. There was a lot of stunning visual stuff going on, but not a lot of substance.

The projection of images onto the stage floor was a brilliant idea and beautifully executed, and the dancers and aerial performers were awesome, the orchestra was fabulous, the lighting and effects were great, the giant inflatable light-up polar bear was incredible, and the native costumes were beautiful. But something was missing.

Something to hold my attention, maybe? Something to keep me awake at one-bloody-o’clock in the morning when I’m starting to question why I stayed up this late in order to watch squares of wheat projected onto the floor and hear our national anthem turned into a hip-hop diva moment?

Nothing against Nikki Yanovsky. She’s an amazing talent, a sixteen-year-old jazz dynamo, and a future national treasure. But I didn’t particularly like the arrangement of O Canada they gave her or the way she pulled out the pop diva card on some of the notes she belted out. I’m not saying it was disrespectful. It’s great to try out new arrangements of things, even national anthems. But this just didn’t work.

The Parade of Nations was interminable, as always, and, aside from the standing ovation given to the Georgian team in honor of their fallen comrade, Nodar Kumaritashvili—an emotional moment if ever there was one—there was really little of interest except for the opportunity to point and gape at the questionable fashion choices made by many of the participating nations.

Germany, for instance, decided it would be fun to make its athletes look like a package of liquorice allsorts. The Czech Republic outfitted its athletes in camouflage that was obviously designed for combat inside a Toys-R-Us. Finland’s camouflage design, which would have worked well inside an Escher print, looked tame by comparison. With few exceptions, the assault on the fashion and color sense of the world was pretty much unremitting.

But I want to get back to the music, because music is important to me, and because it was sorely mishandled in this ceremony. For example, what was with that song Bryan Adams and Nellie Furtado performed? Was that even a song? I did a quick Google search and found out that Bryan co-wrote it.

Bryan. Dude. You’ve written some great songs over the years. This wasn’t one of them. What happened? I think you’re losing it, man.

On the other hand, we had Sarah McLachlan singing “Ordinary Miracle”. When I heard those opening piano chords, I just about fell out of my seat. It’s one of my favorite songs, and when I first saw the video on YouTube a couple of years ago, it affected me emotionally. I was absolutely flabbergasted—not to mention delighted—that they pulled it out for the ceremonies. Sarah looked lovely and sounded fantastic.

Alas, it was a short-lived high. As great as the orchestra was, we did not need an extended orchestral instrumental break in this song. It was fine just the way it was. The instrumental break was so long, in fact, that Sarah didn’t sing the song’s last two verses. I felt cheated.

I was also scratching my head a bit, as the song was written by a Brit (Dave Stewart, formerly of Eurythmics) for an American movie (Charlotte’s Web). Much as I love it, it’s a puzzling song choice for such a thoroughly Canadian event.

Oh, well. Moving on.

The fiddling and tap dancing sequence was a welcome injection of energy into the proceedings. I liked that they added a bit of a punk vibe with the costumes and hair styles, and I had to chuckle at the very beginning, because the “fiddler” (or should I say, the guy pretending to fiddle) in the suspended canoe made me think of Wolverine from X-Men.

You knew I was a geek, right?

I figured either Natalie MacMaster or Ashley MacIsaac would appear, and I was rather hoping it would be Natalie. Nothing against Ashley; he’s a fine musician and all, but he’s a bit of a whack job, and I personally would have preferred Natalie’s light and upbeat energy to Ashley’s dark moodiness. As it was, however, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he is also a great tap dancer, and the energy he puts into his playing is amazing. It was a good bit.

We now come to the “kid flying over the prairies” portion of our programme, which made good use of the projection stage and included some pretty nifty wire-flying by the young performer involved (I’m still not sure if it was a guy or a girl), but pulled out another questionable music choice. Let me be clear on this: The fact that Joni Mitchell wrote “Both Sides Now” does in no way mean that she should be encouraged to sing it. This was the absolute worst arrangement of this beautiful song I have ever heard, and I can only assume it was a recording, because there were no shots of Joni singing.

k.d. lang’s performance of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, on the other hand, was easily the highlight of the night. She has one of the finest singing voices in show business, and I absolutely loved what she did with that song. Truly stunning.

Only problem with k.d. is that she’s starting to look like the secret love-child of Wayne Newton and Quentin Tarantino. I don’t think that’s the look she was aiming for, frankly.

I know, I know. My cynicism knows no bounds. It’s true. What can I say?

All that aside, however, I have to tell you that when I heard them introduce Lieutenant-General Roméo Dallaire as one of the flag-bearers, I got all choked up. To even think about the things that man experienced in Rwanda gives me the chills. He’s a true Canadian hero in my books, and I’m sincerely glad, not to mention touched, that he was chosen to help carry the Olympic flag.

The other flag-bearers represent a wide range of Canadian endeavour: Donald Sutherland, Betty Fox, Barbara-Ann Scott, Jacques Villeneuve, Anne Murray, Julie Payette, and Bobby Orr. I was most impressed with the choices and reminded yet again of what tremendous diversity and talent we have in this here country.

I was equally impressed with the choices of torch bearers. Rick Hansen, the Man in Motion, brought the flame into the stadium, and Catriona LeMay Doan, Steve Nash, Nancy Greene, and Wayne Gretzky all lit one another’s torches in turn. Then, after what seemed like endless hours waiting, three of the four ice-sculpture-totem-pole-torch-support-thingies creaked their way out of the floor and rose to a somewhat less-than-majestic stance around the main torch-thingy.

Then Steve, Nancy, and Wayne stepped forward to light their appointed support-thingies, leaving poor Catriona standing there looking like a third wheel on a prom date.

Then Wayne, unsatisfied with the proceedings, bolted from the stadium in a fit of pique, stole a pickup truck, and drove down to the waterfront to light something else on fire.

Charges are pending.

Don’t forget to leave the torch on.

(Here’s the proper version of “Ordinary Miracle”, complete with short (yes, short) instrumental break and clips of cute little girl, cute little pig, and nearly-cute spider. It’s just a lovely song.)