Even if Cats Could Speak…

September 9, 2009 in General by faltarego | 3 comments

Last week I went off on a bit of a rant about language and its decay. This turned out to be a good choice, actually, because I got some great comments on that post. This week, I'd like to slide over to the edge of that issue, and focus on one particular annoyance:

The linguistic infestation known as LOLcats.

Yes, they're cute. Yes, they're funny. But for the love of God, people, does the language of the stupid, funny, cute cat have to invade your everyday communication?

I've seen many examples of the LOLcat, and I've found most of them quite entertaining. Some of them are even out-and-out hilarious. But I've also noticed some of the LOLcatchphrases appearing in people's Facebook status updates and Twitter tweets.

This is not endearing. As a matter of fact, it's bloody annoying. It's bad enough that most people abbreviate everything they say in emails, text messages, and online chats; Now they're intentionally adding misspellings and bad grammar to the mix.

If this keeps up, we won't even be able to understand each other anymore. And for me, someone whose every waking moment is shaped by the overriding need to be understood, this is tantamount to Armageddon.

But there's more than just a linguistic issue here. Speaking as someone who lives in a cat household, I'm pretty sure that if cats really could speak, it would not be with cutesy grammatical errors, but rather in full and complete sentences, delivered with a derisive and disdainful tone that would reduce us all to shuddering masses of protoplasm.

You think Planet of the Apes was bad? Try to imagine Planet of the Cats. The brutality and physical torture the apes could put us through would be no match for the sheer agony of the mental and emotional anguish that a race of pissed-off cats could inflict upon us.

And once they ascended, they'd take over the internet. And then they'd see the LOLcats pictures.

And that would pretty much be it for humankind.

Gesundheit.

(Okay, I have to admit… This video is pretty frickin' hilarious.)

  1. Tanya’s avatar

    Tanya on September 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    I agree. You know I adore LOLcats – many of them make me laugh out loud like few things can – but there’s no way cats would speak like that. I’m not even sure they would converse with us at all, beyond what they needed to make their lives easier. “Get me that.” “Move that closer.” “Kill the dog.” “Feed me.” “Go away now.”

    You know, this reminds me of something a friend of min used to say. I once had a large, mean looking Himalayan cat named Iggy. He was actually a sweetheart to me, but to anyone else he was ferocious. My friend used to say “If animals ruled the world, cats would be the mafia, and Iggy would be The Godfather.”

  2. faltarego’s avatar

    faltarego on September 10, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Tanya: Yes, I think you’ve got it. Bare essentials only. “Kill the dog” and “Go away now” just cracked me up.

  3. Rose’s avatar

    Rose on September 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Haha This post was hilarious. I can’t say I’ve actually noticed anyone using LOLcat speak in facebook statuses and the like, although I probably would have cried if I had!

    “…reduce us all to shuddering masses of protoplasm” <— win

    "And then they’d see the LOLcats pictures. And that would pretty much be it for humankind." <— more win

    What the hell, all of it is win!

    And I'm still chuckling at that history of lolcats video! :) I must say, Eric, your blog posts are getting better and better!

    Rose x